Com·mu·ni·ca·tion
the act or process of transmitting information.
When a person’s feeling is invalidated after they have communicated it, his or her feeling will likely diminish or disappear. As feelings decrease, so does the strength of the relationship. Lack of effective communication is the equivalent to breathing in smoke from a fire, it chokes the life out of you! I recently wrote about this topic in a past post entitled, “Why Are Relationships So Hard?” You can read it by clicking the link.
In a relationship both parties should be comfortable enough to tell each other about things in the relationship that they would like to see improved without backlash. No relationship is perfect, but if your significant other blows up and shuts down every-time you express your feelings, you will never feel safe to have a serious or even meaningful conversation with him/her. When this is the case conversations are kept to discuss things at the surface level and nothing deep or truly meaningful, leaving a void.
Women especially are wired to talk out problems in their relationship. However, if the man always reacts negatively or blows up (defensiveness, escalated anger or shutting down), the woman tends to hold in and bottle a lot of her feelings on the inside. On the outside she appears to be fine, but on the inside she is lonely, hurt, broken and feels neglected & taken for granted. I’ve never really thought about it before, but I believe that’s why most studies show that women cheat because their emotional needs (searching for an emotional connection) are not being met and they feel lonely and neglected.
Women aren’t stones, a lonely, neglected woman is ripe picking for an affair. Women tend to leave the relationship emotionally longgggggggg before she has an affair. For men reading this, the concept of a woman being lonely in a relationship may sound weird and/or stupid, but it’s the reality of a lot of women. Often another male gives the woman attention and provides a safe place for her to open up to him (basically he gives her an ear to confide in). A woman doesn’t just wake up one day and say, “I’m going to have an affair”. Normally she tries to open up to him about how she is feeling and he either gets angry and/or shuts her down. In return she no longer feels safe to have any logical conversation with him, in fear that he will get angry and/or shut down. Finally, she comes to a conclusion that her significant other will never listen or change and a connection is then formed between her and another man after a period of time. The bottom line is, when people have needs that are not being met in their realtionship, they either go without and suffer or get their needs met somewhere else.
The saying, “Familiarity has Bred Indifference” becomes reality when a woman feels taken for granted. A lot of men fail to understand that courting (romance and date her) in the relationship should never stop! The things that you did (or should have done) at the beginning of the relationship to capture her (affirmation, common interests, talking regularly, flowers, movies, bowling, walks in the park, mini vacations, long drives, romantic dinner, etc.) shouldn’t stop when your in a relationship. Taking her for granted can lead to her haphazardly seeking attention from someone else.
The worst thing a man can do is kill the communication in the relationship. When a man throws a temper tantrum and goes weeks or even months without speaking to his lady, he has basically swung the door wide open for another man to come in. This makes a women feel REJECTED and ABANDONED. The reason being, if she isn’t talking to you, more than likely she is talking to someone else who is lending her an ear. 9 out of 10 times the person lending her an ear is one of her close girlfriends. But there are times when she feels that her emotional needs that should come from her man to include: love and feeling loved, to feel important and special, and to feel like someone has her back is missing.
I’ve seen it time and time again… most of the time the woman get’s attention from another man who comes off very friendly, over-caring, and lends her an ear. The male friend is always available and seems to always be there to just listen (hmmmm, yeah right!). This is very dangerous, because I’ve found that men are very competitive (One man’s trash, is literally another man’s treasure). If a woman is so vulnerable that she is at the point of telling another man what she is lacking in her relationship, the other man then tries to come in as the superhero to save her despite the fact that he knows she is already in a relationship. I’ve even seen this happened wherein the woman leaves for another man that doesn’t have 2 pennies to rub together, is physically unattractive and is just a regular Joe Schmo. All this because Joe Schmo lent her an ear, affirmed her, and listened attentively and in turn met her emotional needs when her own man refused to talk to her. She then begins to perceive “Joe Schmo” like Mr. Eager-To-Fill-the-Void very differently. Don’t believe me?… then go watch Shrek, lol (just kidding).
One of the most valuable things a man can give his lady beside his word is his “Valuable Time”. She doesn’t want to feel like her man just happened to remember that she still exists and he decided at the last minute to call her up and schedules her into his last available time slot of the night (after he is completely inebriated and exhausted), which conveniently comes right before it’s time to cut off the lights for bed (hmmmm, how romantic right!). Sorry, I know that was literally a mouth full… Lol. No woman wants to feel like she is a booty call. If you’re a man reading this, ask yourself, “would I want a another man treating my daughter in the same exact manner I treat my significant other?” Women in relationships need to feel loved, even the most toughest and most independent women do.
- If you aren’t telling her that you love her or miss her, or that she is beautiful, you are leaving a big void in her heart.
- If you aren’t eager to spend time with her and plan activities that you can do together, you are leaving a big void in her heart.
- If you aren’t discussing what the future looks like for the two of you, you are leaving a big void in her heart. Women want to talk about things other than the kids, work, and the stupid weather. She needs deep and meaningful conversations about topics that impact the relationship. If you have no intentions of having a future with her, be honest about it. Don’t limit her options by leading her on, when she can be with someone else with the same goals.
- If you aren’t showing signs of love & affection (flowers, cards, candy etc.) and being kind to her with your words you are leaving a void in her heart. Women don’t want to feel like an option or like one of the boys in a relationship.
- If you are always eager to go out of your way for strangers or others and not her, you are leaving a big void in her heart.
- If you aren’t having discussions about spending true quality time together (outside of the bedroom), you are leaving a big void in her heart.
A void in a woman’s heart is like sending out a flare signal for the entire world to see, “Woman in need of love!” especially, to another Eager-To-Fill-the-Void man. A Eager-To-Fill-the-Void man should never be able to treat another man’s woman better than him!
However, research has shown that most men tend to cheat because their sexual needs are not being met. The common tread between men and women is the fact that they are both looking for something. I’ve seen to many so called “harmless friendship’s” become a flirtation, become an infatuation, become an affair, become a demise. Yes, I used the word demise because nothing good can come out of breaking someone’s heart for your own personal gain. With that being said, relationships should be a safe place for a couple to openly communicate about anything, no topic should be off limit. For the record, I don’t believe there is any justification for cheating and I am 100% against infidelity!!! If you are not happy and your needs (what ever they may be) aren’t being met and you’ve tried therapy or other ways to communicate your unmet need(s) to your significant other in order to make the relationship work, it is better to end the relationship as amicably as possible than to break the other person’s heart by cheating or having an affair.
“If there’s a failure to communicate – which is so reinforcing to women in terms of intimacy, emotional satisfaction and relationship satisfaction – then women look outside the relationship for that kind of connection”
